A witty, fairly accurate and strangely informative

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The Wide Brown Land

A witty, fairly accurate and strangely informative essay about Australia.
AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS

The following is by Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy" fame.

"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of
the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because
of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an
enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs
which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is
simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great
Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more
frightening theory but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as
continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true
that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9
of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most
poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are few
snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.

But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be
careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet
seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is
very useful for this task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived
in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of
them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of
nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They
settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange
stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged
people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing
to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food,
and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It
is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider
themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since
they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilized culture
they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being
left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended
holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep,
caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet,
where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves
to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the
necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal
surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in
the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply
the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing
into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish,
stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be
a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill
just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset
is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been
performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass
is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly
proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.
They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's
Own Country"). THE IRRITATING THING ABOUT THIS IS THEY MAY BE RIGHT.

TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you
think it is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning is imperative.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained
linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.

Wear thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you
at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS

They waddle when they walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount
vouchers stuffed in their wallet or purse.

They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large
fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place,
that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't
be called "Woy".

Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.

They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to
handle.

They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

And they all carry a stick!