They took a nationwide poll to see what type of natural disaster people feared the most. Avalanche won by a landslide.
I’ve just been for a job interview. They asked me to describe myself in three words. I said “Innumerate.”
It’s unbelievable that people think smacking is an appropriate way to discipline a child. Have they never heard of tasers?
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
Someone just set fire to my bum. Flaming cheek.
My autobiography is due out this year. To sell more copies I’m re-naming it “Harry Potter and the Da Vinci Book of Sudoku”.
My wife asked “What’s my birthday present then?”
I said “See that yellow Ferrari over there?”
“OHMYGOD YES!”
“Well I got you a purse in the same colour.”
I recently entered the National Dyslexic Fruit Picking Competition. I won by a lime.
Someone keeps sneaking into my garden at night and stealing the flower heads off my plants. I’m worried it’s a stalker.
I look a lot like my mum. It’s as though we were separated at birth.
My nephew is being sent to a child psychologist. We’d rather he saw a grown-up but they’re so much more expensive.
Police have raided Bob Geldof’s house where they discovered Amphetamines, Smack and Ganja. His other daughter was nowhere to be found.
Maths tutor available 25/7
“Do you expect me to talk?”
“No Mr Bond. I expect you to SING.” (Goldfinger, The Musical)
Just painted a blue square in my garden so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Laser Eye Surgery is now only available as Pay Per View.
I’m waiting in a huge queue for a new classical music CD. Three hours of my life I’ll never get Bach.
Men, make this a Valentine’s Day she’ll always remember.......by forgetting it.
The thing that annoys me most about my job is that it’s always my turn to make the coffee. I hate working at Starbucks.
Knowing she was about to fold, I placed my chips on the table. She said “Move your dinner while I sort these clothes out.”
I think my wife’s showing the first signs of dementia. She said she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman, the G spot is located at the end of the word ‘shopping’.
Conjunctivitis.com - now that is a site for sore eyes
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names
Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifejacket. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
Exit signs? They're on the way out!
Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!
Velcro? What a rip-off!
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
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