Hahaha

Subject: Re: Hahaha Tue Sep 04, 2018 8:24 am

keep em coming.

david

Guest

Guest

Real Signs and advertisements...
Signs In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetary: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a Tennessee highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket: "If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."

Guest

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Guest

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy class gets up, moves to the First Class Section and sits down. The flight attendent watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendent goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak "blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry!" She gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and the copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

Guest

A few years ago, as a solar eclipse approached, some planetarium directors in Southern California sent out warnings to the community about the eclipse. They warned people not to look directly into the sun. The planetarium received an indignant letter from a local blonde resident. She said that if an eclipse was so dangerous, they never should have decided to hold one and ought to cancel it.

Guest

The Catholic Dictionary

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

Guest

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Guest

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3. He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third." The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them. Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast. After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing". Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy. A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything". It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved. A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes"

Guest

A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program: "What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?" "Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing." "What was so unusual and demanding about this particular call?" the interviewer asked. "Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before we found the one who was dead."

Guest

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

Guest

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got." "That's great," smiled his uncle. "Have you learned how to play it yet?" "Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

Subject: Re: Hahaha Sat Sep 15, 2018 7:50 am

david

Guest

To the music of Gordon Lightfoot's Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald.

The wreck of Hillary Clinton

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOwSaSl_PGk

Subject: Irish Airline Captain Thu Sep 20, 2018 9:19 am

Couple of Aussies were talking about their experiences and one said,

I was flying with this Irish crew and as we were coming to land on a strange airport when the Captain yells, hell co-pilot this one will be tight, get ready to apply all the brakes, flaps, reverse thrusters, you know the drill.

Next thing the Captain is screaming apply the brakes, then in a panic the thrusters, the thrusters, not enough full flaps, full flaps, more reverse thrusters, quick help me with the brakes.

Finally he says we made it, that was so close.

The co pilot replies, yes Captain I can see that but why did they make it so wide.

Guest

Guest

Next time your application for a job is rejected...
Dear [Interviewer's Name]: Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]

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