Banks Beware

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to

pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his

presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to

honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my

Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight

years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,

and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the

inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me

to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and

letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,

overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood

person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no

longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed

personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must

nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to

open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status

which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about

him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please

note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by

a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation

(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented

proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she

must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled

it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account

balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest

form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press

buttons as follows:



1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is

required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the

Authorized Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8 9-- To

make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold,

pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on

occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the

duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an

establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Luv it

Totally brill.